The Best Five

5 .  Sam 'Slick' Brown: Pull yourself together, William! What's a confidence man without confidence? 4.   Sam 'Slick' Brown: [after shimmying up a tree to escape a bear] William, I think it's a cinnamon bear. Bill Peoria: I don't care what flavor he is. He's more apt to taste me. 3.   Sam 'Slick' Brown: An oil well is a hole in the ground surrounded by suckers. 2.    Soapy: It may interest to you to know, my good man, that I and the minutest coin of the realm are total strangers. Waiter: How's that? Soapy: I said I was broke! 1.  Johnny Kernan: Once they make you walk up an alley, you never use a front door again.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is, quite simply, one of the best TV shows ever.  Recently I watched the "Castle of Fu Manchu" episode, and figured I'd highlight some of my favorite riffs from it.  If you can't find it on Youtube, you can probably watch it on Hulu or Shout!FactoryTv. Here goes: 5.  Where has she been all my death? - Joel 4.  "Oh, come on! We can't keep making fun of the names! Get on with it! 3.  [On wooden acting] Ya know, if he was gonna express an emotion, now would be the perfect time to do it. 2.  "This is the trickle-down theory of plots!" 1.  "Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort-of-idealized representations of 16th Century Flemish merchants first!"

5.  A Basic Flaw In The Premise In House on Haunted Hill, an eccentric millionaire, Frederick Loren (Vincent Price), invites 5 people to a "haunted house" party for his wife.  It's not just any party, however.  Everyone who stays the entire night wins  $10,000!  The problem?  He also tells his guests that the doors are locked at midnight, so no one can get out.  How much sense does that make?  Well, not exactly a lot.  Those who were already motivated by money have an extra reason to stay:  They can't leave!  So, yeah, there are some shortcomings to this night of terror. 4.  The Owner of the House Watson Pritchard (Elisha Cook), one of the guests. is also the woner of the house.  And, damn, is ever creeped out by the place!  It's not without reason, either.  His brother and stepsister were murdered there, and apparently almost died himself after spending the night there.  Why would he stay t...

Charlie, Dennis and Mac try to prove they're not racist, for varying reasons. 5.   Dee Reynolds: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of... Dennis Reynolds: [interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care. 4.  Mac: "Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole." Charlie Kelly: Well, that's a good notice. Mac: No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes. 3.   Large Man in Towel: [emerges from bathroom] How's that ass feel? [smacks Dennis' ass] 2.   Handsome Guy: You have the most beautiful eyes...

5.  It Introduces The Concept of Using Insecticides To Get High Yes, you read that right.  And guess what?  That's a fairly consistent plot point throughout the movie.  The main character, William Lee (Peter Weller) has found that his wife Joan (Judy Davis) is stealing his bug powder and getting high from it.  She even calls it a "Kafka high," because of Kafka's famous novel "The Metamorphosis," about a guy who has transformed into a giant roach.  You almost have to respect a movie willing to adopt such a unique angle, right?  One needn't add any more weirdness to it and it would already be a rather odd movie.  Still, even more weirdness gets piled on.

What can I say about Killer Klowns from Outer Space?  It's one of those movies.    Here are some of my favorite quotes from it, mang! 5.  Mike Tobacco : Isn't this place great or what? It looks like it was decorated by Klowns R Us. 4.   Farmer Gene Green : Did you see that little ole sky doggie zip down there, Pooh? 3.  [after finding the Big Top] Farmer Gene Green : Well I'll be greased and fried! 2.  M ike Tobacco : It was a space ship. And there was these things, these killer clowns, and they shot popcorn at us! We barely got away! 1.  "I'm Jo-Jo the Ice Cream Klown, we'll give you a stick, you'll give it a lick. And it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream, ice cream, we brought our goodies here to you! A tasty treat for while you screw! Let's take a break! Cool off those hot lips with our frozen fruity bars! Icy-wicy, fudgy-wudgy cars.   And everyone's frozen delight, the lick a stick!"

This British sitcom was something my grandma often watched on PBS, so when I saw it was on Netflix I couldn't resist checking it out all these years later.  It is still fun to watch Hyacinth Bucket and the rest of her crazy family.  I also still wonder about her candlelight suppers.  How often does she actually host one?  Anyway, here is a list of my favorite quotes from the show.  Enjoy! 5.  [Hyacinth is startled into the hedge by the barking dog] Onslow: Less noise, you daft bitch! That goes for you as well, dog! 4.  Hyacinth: If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises. 3.  Hyacinth: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship. People trying to pretend they're superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are. 2.   Hyacinth:   Completely conducive to contemplating cozy charismatic country cottages . 1.  Last but not least: ...